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Archive for the ‘Triple Shots’ Category

Triple Shot.

Therein lies the rub. Therein lies the rub. Therein lies the rub.

Why has everyone agreed to this misquote? Aye, there’s the rub.

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This will change your life:

Stove-top popcorn.

Popcorn.

1/4 nutritional yeast

sea salt to taste

agave to taste

butter (optional)

Penzey’s Brady Street Cheese Sprinkle.

Trust me.

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Last week, my kitchen sink clogged. Laura and I went to the pharmacy to get some Draino. While we were waiting at the checkout line, Laura said, “Oh! We should get one of these Seattle shot glasses for your sister!”

She put one on the counter. I paid.

Yep. We bought a bottle of draino and a shot glass. No questions asked.

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Triple Shot.

At the bakery in the market, the woman behind the counter always calls me “scrumple.” Like, “Whaddya need today scrumple?” “Try this this sample you scrumple you.” Not only is it weird, but it sounds like a baked good, and I just don’t like the insinuation that I have the same name as the things she sells.

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“I want every day of my life to look like a postcard,” he told me.

“That’d be good,” I said. “Then you could buy the cheaper stamps.”

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I heard this on the bus: “I just feel like we’re adults now. We can’t just go off and start stealing cars all of a sudden.”

Kids will be kids, that’s what I always think when I hear about motor vehicle theft.

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Triple Shot.

Sometimes, my life feels like just one long episode of Moesha.

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A friend of mine in northern Canada sent me a picture of herself and her two huskies in layers and layers of clothes in a snow covered field holding up a sign that said “Occupy the Tundra.”

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One of the better feelings in life is no longer ever asking, “hey, ummmm, do you mind if I like, take a shower?”

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Triple Shot.

The Chairman at work.

April : What is Zumba? I keep hearing about it and seeing ads…

Me : We walked past a class in session this weekend. Looked like step aerobics without the steps.

April : Oh… So dancing around like a moron. I think they offer that at my gym. I think they offer that at every gym.

Me : Dancing around like a moron. I like it.

April : If that’s what they actually called the class, I’d totally take it.

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If Lydia were an office, she’d be Suite 104B.

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I should introduce you to Chairman Meow. I asked him to type up a bio for you. He wrote: ” ß e3g4mr4g65;gkyo6pr] -r0t]rty0 9a99999999999(((jirejgre'” and then promptly fell asleep on my keyboard.

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Mr. Glenfrankus’ favorite color is eggplant.

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Mr. Glenfrankus has a pet fish named lizard. He is allergic to reptiles.

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Mr. Glenfrankus has the talent of having no difficulty reading while walking, even up and down stairs.

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Triple Shot.

Canada’s history magazine is called “The Beaver.” I would hate to do google image searches for past articles.

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My brother sent me an e-mail that he was checking out at the grocery store and the clerk saw his ID and said, “Oh, are you related to Tim Sullivan!?” My brother said yes, that we were brothers. and the cashier said, “Oh! I used to take his yoga classes!”

“Were they any good?” my brother asked.

“Of course! I love Tim!”

“We must be talking about a different Tim Sullivan,” my brother said.

Thanks for the e-mail bro.

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Me:  Crap.  I need some triple shots.  I don’t have anything written down.

Ellen: Sorry. I wasn’t very funny this week.

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Triple Shot.

I was reading reviews online of an anesthesiologist Ellen used to work for. I read some of them out loud.  Ellen said, “What do you want? It’s the fucking anesthesiologist. If you wake up and you’re not dead, he’s great!”

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At Whole Foods, Ellen and I sat next to a group of middle aged women who were incredibly excited about their new mutual find: knit jeans. One of them described them “feeling like pajamas!”  Another said, “I saw them on sale at Marshalls!” Then the women all gave each other high-fives and agreed to go together. If I ever high-five over mom jeans, kill me.  Just kill me.

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